Death to Mary Sue!
by kaotic312
Summary: Title pretty much explains my stance on the use of Mary Sue characters in fanfic. If you're wondering, yes, this is CRACK fiction. LOL All comments welcome, flames included.
1. Enter Mary Sue

**Can I say just how much I HATE Mary Sue characters? Yes, yes I can ...and here it is!**

**Oh, I own Nothing of Naruto, unfortunately. And yes, this is a piece of very cracked fiction. To enjoy or not to enjoy, that is the question. **

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

Sasuke was ignoring his fan girl contingent, as per usual. Neither Ino nor Sakura seemed to mind, or even care, so focused were they on their rivalry and their 'love' for him.

It was a beautiful spring day, but this particular young man's mind was not turning to love. Death and destruction were much more prevalent thoughts. He was on his way to the training grounds to meet up with Naruto. There Ino would have to leave them to train with her own team, but that still left the annoying pink-haired chit.

As the young shinobi made a turn down a small side street, and the two fan girls hurried after him, there was a soft whirring noise.

Sasuke stopped. He'd not heard that noise before and it was out of place in the Leaf village, of that he was sure.

"Oh Sasuke!" Both girls cooed, sure he'd stopped to speak with them.

"Shut up." He ordered sharply.

Thus began a small fight behind him as Ino was sure he had ordered _Sakura _to shut up, not her. And Sakura was just as sure that Sasuke had meant for the loud blond kunoichi to shut up.

A pinhole in the fabric of reality opened up before them, making all three back up a step or more. A swirling void appeared, from which a tight, tone, gorgeous red-head plopped down in the street in front of them.

The woman stood, she was model thin and yet curved in all the right places. She looked around in shock. "Where am I? Oh, you all look familiar. Just like my favorite anime. You're Sasuke, Ino, and Sakura ...right?"

The three ninja stood still, knowing better than to reveal themselves to a potential enemy.

The red-head smiled over at Sasuke. "You know, you're hotter in real life. And I'm the perfect girl for you. I can help you defeat your brother. I have three black belts and am an expert shot. Not to mention having memorized every position in the Kama Sutra."

Three kunai flashed out of no where and buried themselves in her heart and left eye. She fell over dead.

Ino and Sakura gave each other high-fives. "Yeah, like we're going to let THAT happen, witch!"

Sasuke went over and picked up his own kunai, shaking his head sadly. "And how did you expect to help me when you can't even dodge a simple blade?"

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

**I refuse to apologize if you don't like this short, short fic! It makes me giggle. DEATH TO MARY SUE!**

**Flame me if you want!**


	2. Contestant Number Two

Neji was minding his own business as he trained in the forest. His first chuunin exams were coming up and he had much to contemplate. His uncle would no doubt be watching and would see that Neji had perfected the Gentle Fist technique all on his own. How would the clan leader react?

A soft whirring sound distracted him and he activated his Byakugan, but could see no one approaching. When the void opened, he merely raised one eyebrow, not even bothering to back up. Although his body went on high alert.

When a sultry blond with loads of black eye liner dropped at his feet, he was ...curious.

The blond girl squeaked and scrambled back from him with a grace he'd never seen before.

"How did I get here?" The girl looked around a bit warily.

Neji shrugged. He doubted she didn't know, unless she was an innocent victim somehow.

The girl looked him over and smiled. "You know, you look just like my favorite anime character. Neji Hyuuga."

"Hyuuga Neji." He corrected coldly.

"No way!" The girl purred. "I'm really in the Naruto world?"

White eyes narrowed on her. "It's not Naruto's world."

"Oh sure!" The girl giggled, making Neji finally back up a step. In disgust.

The young Hyuuga prodigy wondered what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. He eyed the undeniably beautiful blond. Suddenly several kunai flew from his fingertips and pinned her clothing to a tree, leaving her unable to maneuver.

"Hey, Neji! What are you doing? You're one of the good guys!" The blond simpered.

Neji ignored her as he went to report this intrusion into Konoha to the proper authorities, or at least to Gai. He grimaced. Maybe he should speak with the guards, Gai talked too much.

The blond fumed as she waited, looking around. "Hey, I can't believe I'm in the Naruto world. I love this anime. So what if Neji's a stick with hair? I can make it work here. I'm a world-class gymnast and fencer. I'll be perfect in this place!"

Gaara and his siblings walked by the bound blond, ignoring her completely.

"Hey! Gaara-kun!" The blond purred, knowing she could manipulate the cute red-head into releasing her.

The sand coffin was quick, but not painless.

Temari glanced at her baby brother in distrust. "Gaara?"

The red-head shrugged. "I hate people who speak to me as if I know them. Now, let's go check in with the chuunin examiners."

"I thought we were to keep a low profile." Kankuro said, looking back at the dead blond as the sand that had killed her snaked back into the gourd on his brother's back.

Gaara shrugged again. Somehow, he just didn't care.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o


	3. This one almost lived

They blinked at each other.

One moment Gaara and his siblings were about to try and spy on some of the Konoha genins as they trained. But then there had been a soft whirring noise that had opened a hole in the fabric of time and space.

Now there was a girl. Looking at them. Blinking.

At least Kankuro _thought_ it was a girl.

"Who are you?" Temari demanded.

The girl shrugged. "Don't care. What's in a name? You may call me Toxin."

Kankuro eyed the stranger, wondering if she was a Leaf genin. If so, this mission just got a bit more interesting. They hadn't had any intelligence on her!

The girl was wearing strange, dark leather clothes with slashes in them. There was a black coat that nearly touched the ground. High boots and black, black hair that just wasn't natural. There were blue streaks in the hair too. And the make-up ...oh the make-up!

Kankuro coughed, "where did you find blood red color for you lips like that? I've thought about switching my color scheme."

"Whatever." Toxin shrugged, yawning.

"I could kill you where you stand." Gaara told the girl, meaning every word.

Toxin again shrugged. "Don't care. What is death but the opposite of life. Life sucks, so perhaps death would be an improvement."

Gaara eyed the stranger warily.

Temari shook her head. "Perhaps we'll just torture you instead."

At this, the heavily made up eyes finally showed some interest. "Really? Do you promise? Pain is a reminder that you live. It is the sublime perfection that defines us. Only in pain can we discover our true selves."

"**I like her."** Shukaku moaned, inside Gaara's head. **"I'm keeping her."**

Temari and Kankuro glanced at their younger brother, to see how he was reacting to this stranger. They'd take his lead. It was always safer that way.

Suddenly, a stray kunai flew out from behind some trees, over from the training grounds. Sand moved to shield the girl and the kunai dropped harmlessly to the ground. Inside his head, Shukaku let out a sigh of relief.

But the girl, unused to rough (or even natural) terrain, slipped. Her high boots, with little to no tread, slipped on the dew slickened ground and she fell. Hitting her head on a rock. She died nearly instantly from the fluke accident.

"**Nooooooo!"** Screamed Shukaku, making Gaara clutch his head in agony. Temari and Kankuro flanked their brother and escorted him from the area. They didn't want anyone to find them around a dead body, the second they'd seen or caused since their arrival.

Gaara looked around, and saw two young shinobi find the dead girl. A spiky-haired youth in a blue tunic and white shorts along with a loud blond in orange. Shukaku eyed them as well, sure they'd been the cause of the death of his new 'friend'. **"I'm going to kill them."** Promised the demon.

Gaara nodded. What did he care?

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o


	4. Gary Lou

They'd been betrayed. The entire village was being invaded. The Sound and Sand shinobi had used the chuunin exams as their cover, and now were attacking in full force.

Hyuuga Hiashi had a hard time as he played the waiting game. Waiting until the signal was given that the citizens were safely away. Waiting to stop defending and finally go on the offensive. Many attacked him, just as many were defeated. They were dead, that was as defeated as a ninja could get.

The Hyuuga clan leader looked over toward the biggest commotion, sighting the trees in the distance as they tumbled down. He sensed huge chakra signatures in that particular area. Without a thought to personal safety, Hiashi headed directly toward what he considered the biggest threat.

o.o.o.o.o

Asuma waited until a worn-out Shikamaru was away safely, before turning his attention to the commotion up ahead. He chuckled lightly to himself, extremely pleased with his student's performance. Facing down eight shinobi as a delay tactic, a move sure to bring about his own death? The boy's laziness had given away to reluctant heroism. Asuma would have to be sure to relay this information to the chuunin examiners, though the sensei was pretty sure they'd already decided to promote the boy.

Now that his student was safe, there were others out there who needed him. Pushing aside any concern for Kurenei or his father, since he knew they could take care of themselves, he headed right for the biggest commotion. The one with chakra roiling off the combatants like water. Asuma frowned, one of those chakra signatures hadn't been felt in about 13 years. Yet it wasn't _completely_ the same as before. He prayed the fox demon wasn't loose.

o.o.o.o.o

Shibi waited until the antidote he'd given his son had started to take effect. The father in him made Shino promise to head for safety, no matter how much it grated the young genin to do so. Shino had already done much this day, and had made his father proud. Still, the boy was young and had much to learn. While he'd been successful against the sand shinobi, he'd still ended up almost dead by poison as well.

Once his son was away, Shibi searched with his senses for where he was most needed. He felt the chakra from a huge battle up ahead and leapt toward that area, only to be brought up short.

The Aburame leader turned as he felt something disturbing. There. What was that? He could see Hiashi and Asuma meet up in the forest, both heading toward the battle up ahead of them. But, what was that strange whirring sound?

Shibi dropped lightly in front of the two shinobi and held up one hand in a time honored signal. Stop. Look sharp. Something's up.

Asuma immediately went into battle alertness, then his eyes widened as he heard the soft whirring noise that had first alerted Shibi's beetles.

"Byakugan!" Breathed Hiashi under his breath, activating his family's bloodline. He searched the area with his special optics, and was the first to see the strange pinhole in the fabric of their reality. He pointed mutely as the pinhole grew quickly.

The hole grew so fast that now even Shibi and Asuma could see it with their own eyes.

Suddenly, from out of the void dropped a youth. A boy no older than Shibi's son or Asuma's students. He was blond with spiked hair and grey, stormy eyes. He was dressed darkly and had a definate sulk about him, much like the Uchiha kid.

The youth stared at them, as if daring them to speak or approach him.

"Who are you?" Direct, and to the point. The boy's voice was rough textured.

Asuma eyed the youth speculatively. He didn't _look_ like a Sound ninja, and the boy wasn't wearing a head-band protector. Still, they were actively engaged in repelling and invasion. So he didn't bother to answer the youth's question.

"Tch." The youth said, crossing his arms over his black linen shirt. "Fine. Don't speak to me. No one ever does anyway. I am Grey and I'm used to being ignored, so don't go all thinking you're getting to me."

Shibi didn't respond, just watched while being ready for anything.

Hiashi drew up haughtily and eyed Grey. "Friend or foe?"

Grey, though, had lost interest in them. He'd turned to stare into the distance with a longing look in his eyes. "That chakra …that's _demon_ chakra." He said quietly, then under his breath he added, "just like me."

Alarmed, Asuma and the others shot each other a look. A demon vessel? Didn't they have enough to deal with already?

Without a moment to spare, the three attacked. Three extremely powerful and very experienced jounins against one diminutive lad.

Grey laughed mercilessly and countered their every strike and blow. Not even Shibi's bugs affected him. "Destruction beetles? They won't harm me, my pheromones are like poison to them."

Hiashi and Asuma were discouraged to learn the boy was faster and stronger than either of them, alone or combined. It appeared the youth had no weaknesses. He was the perfect shinobi.

Grey shook his head sadly at Asuma. "Your blades can not penetrate my skin. The demon dragon inside of me will not allow that to happen." Next he turned to Hiashi. "And you? Striking against my chakra points? Bah. My skin is more like dragon scales, you can not even REACH my chakra centers, much less hurt me."

Shibi quickly pulled Hiashi to his feet and eyed Grey as he tried to come up with a workable plan.

"If this is the best your village can throw at me, then perhaps I should destroy it." Gray paused. "Or, if there is one stronger than me, perhaps we can become the very best of friends after we fight to a draw. I could then reluctantly change and become a valued member of this community. Maybe even enjoy dating a kunoichi here and starting a family of my own."

"No." Shibi muttered and scattered his bugs.

Gray paused. "Fine. I can kill all three of you, then repent later. I can always reasonably point out that you attacked first."

The three started fighting the stranger again, but were only barely able to hold their ground. They couldn't seem to hurt Gray in the slightest, couldn't even touch him really.

A lone destruction beetle returned, landing lightly on Shibi's shoulder. The Aburame stiffened, then took off in full flight.

"Coward!" Shouted Gray, then was startled as Asuma and Hiashi followed the fleeing man. Gray shook his head sorrowfully. "I was thinking about letting you three live for your bravery, but now I've changed my mind. The dragon living within me craves your BLOOD!"

Asuma and Hiashi ignored him, having caught the silent hand movement that Shibi had flashed to them. The signal had been to 'follow'.

The Aburame stopped in a small clearing and turned, awaiting the others. They were quick to arrive. The young man gloated at them as he stalked after them with a sneer.

A soft whirring noise alerted the three shinobi about what was happening. Gray, who also heard the noise, ignored it as he thought it was just more destruction beetles.

When the pinhole in reality started to open up, all three shinobi attacked. Gray laughed at them as he smirked at them menacingly. "Enough. I'm going to kill you now. Unless a hero pops out of no where to save you, of course."

Kunai and throwing stars were the only response Gray got. "Those measly blades have no hope of penetrating my superior demon-enhanced skin!" He crowed, shaking his long blond hair at their stupidity in having forgotten his invulnerability already.

The blades kept coming though. And in the end, they didn't have to penetrate Gray's skin. The impact was all that was needed. Gray was pushed back only two steps, but it was enough to catch him in the swirling void and suck him back out of their reality.

In his place was a sultry young youth with blue-black raven hair and big melting chocolate eyes. A boy that beautiful had to be a danger somehow. Still, the boy was looking pretty groggy.

Hiashi turned to Shibi with questions he felt compelled to ask. "How did you know to do that?"

Shibi shrugged. "You've read the recent reports of dead strangers around the village just as we all have. I deduced that these strangers have all arrived the same way as our mysterious friend."

Asuma nodded. "So, you sent your bugs to find a new opening from which we could 'return' the stranger?"

"Just so." Shibi grunted.

The sultry lad stood, his masculinity in question as he looked so much like a girl. He truly was a thing of beauty. The boy's big chocolate eyes widened on them. "Oooh! Am I dreaming? You look like minor characters in one of my very favorite shows!"

"Show?" Asuma said, scratching his head.

"Minor?" Hiashi harrumphed in protest.

"Yes, oh yes! My name is Todd, with two 'd's' not one. And I'm such a fan of Naruto, and now I'm in his world!"

Asuma sighed unhappily. "This isn't Naruto's world." He pointed out reasonably.

"Oh sure it is!" The young man said, batting his long eyelashes. "And you're Asuma and you're the jounin leader of Shikamaru, Ino and the fat boy."

"Don't call him fat." Asuma warned, pulling out his trusty blades once more. "And I'd like to know the source of your information."

But Todd was on a roll. "And you're Hiashi Hyuuga!"

"Hyuuga Hiashi." The clan leader corrected without expression.

"Yeah! You're Hinata's father and pretty much a jerk!" Todd smiled and turned to Shibi. "And you're Shino's father. Hmmmm Shino. He's so hot! I can't wait to meet him. I've even written some slash fan stories about him."

When the bugs were done with the boy's body, there wasn't much left.

Asuma looked down at the pitiful remains. "What's a 'fan slash story'?" He asked the others.

Hiashi shrugged and looked at Shibi. The Aburame shook his head, "I don't know, but don't care to find out."

o.o.o.o.o

Gray looked around in earnest. "Another world to conquer? No problem."

In the distance, Luke Skywalker stirred. There was a new disturbance in the Force.

o.o.o.o.o

**Well, I couldn't leave out Mary Sue's gender counterpart could I? Meet Gary Lou!**

**And this chapter would have been up last night if not for problems with FF net. growl**


	5. Replaced

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Gai asked Lee, even as he beamed with pleasure to see his young student now moving sans crutches. "You need to follow Lady Tsunade's orders in order to recover properly from your surgery. The inner workings of the lotus must be in proper condition for the outer youthful glow to be healthy!"

Lee shook his head mutinously. "I need to train! My youth will be over if I do not begin training again. Sir, I could not live with myself if I allowed such a minor injury to defeat me!"

Gai cried. Lee cried. Genma nearly died on the spot.

Genma sighed and wondered if he should carry tales of Lee's mutiny to the new Hokage. Then shrugged. Let the genin overwork himself, it would earn him more pain and more time in Tsunade's care. That seemed fair enough for the stupidity of ignoring excellent medical advice.

Genma stopped and eyed the three sand ninja coming around the corner. They were here for the official swearing in of the new Hokage. And even though they technically were allies now, it just didn't seem right somehow.

A soft whirring noise caught his attention and Genma and Gai both froze, looking around carefully. They'd both read the report offered by Asuma, Hiashi, and Shibi. There had been no more strange incursions since the end of the invasion by the Sound village.

Lee was still ranting and raving about the need to train as the three sand siblings approached. They all stopped and stared at one another, before finally Lee stepped forward. "Gaara."

"Lee."

Temari grimaced. "Oh good, now we're done with the introductions. Can we go on now?"

They all stopped and stared when Gai suddenly pushed Temari three feet to the side. "Watch out!" He called, trying to herd the sand siblings, as well as Lee, out of the way.

But Lee was barely recovered from his surgery and none of the sand siblings were used to being pushed around, or ordered around, by anyone but their not-so-dearly departed father. Gaara stood his ground, gritting his teeth while Lee stumbled and slammed straight into Kankuro.

"OUCH!" They both yelled, glaring at each other as a pinhole in reality opened up right where they were standing. Within the blink of an eye, an eyeful was laying on the ground, and neither boy was in sight.

Genma sucked in a harsh breath. He was a special jounin, and quite skilled an assassin. And the order had been to kill anyone coming through these strange 'holes' that appeared seemingly at random. But with the disappearance of both Kankuro and Lee, he was no longer sure of what he should do next.

The senbon chewing jounin pulled out several more weapons as he prepared to strike the killing blow. Kunai and senbon flew. And were blocked. By an angry looking Gai.

"You are just going to kill this blossom of youth and magic without even questioning her?" Gai sputtered, outraged. "And we need answers as to how to get Lee back!"

"Oi! And Kankuro!" Temari yelled, horrified.

Gaara looked over at her and blinked. "Do we really want him back?"

"Yes!" Temari yelped, looking stunned.

Gaara shrugged. "Tch. Fine."

Gai shook his head sorrowfully as he eyed the fresh-faced female as she groaned and tried to sit up. Her blond hair shimmered like silk and her baby blue eyes blinked widely at them all. "Our orders were to kill any invaders on sight." He said almost apologetically, to both Gai and the girl.

The girl sucked in a shocked breath, scrambling backwards until her back hit a wall. Her fear was rising off her almost visibly. "Kill?" She squeaked in an oddly accented voice.

"Get out of the way, Gai!" Genma ordered harshly, even as he steeled himself against the girl's terror and soft looks.

"How can I understand y'all?" The girl said as she reached behind her for a backpack of some strange looking material. Everyone tensed up, and there was the soft sound of moving sand, but she only clutched the bag close to her chest as a tear ran down one soft looking cheek. "Y'all talk funny."

Gai snorted. "You're the one out of place, little lotus. And I'm sorry, but our orders were to destroy all invaders on sight. Still, would you be so kind as to explain how you got here, and what you've done with my student."

"Ahem." Coughed Temari.

Gai nodded. "And the other lad?"

Genma sighed. "Those orders came from the elder council after the Third's death. And the Lady Tsunade has issued no such order. I suppose we could capture her and let the Hokage decide!"

Gai looked back at the girl who gave him a watery, if tentative smile. "She looks harmless enough."

"Many dangerous creatures do, right before they kill you." Genma groused. "At least disarm the silly girl." He said, pointing at her backpack.

"Iris." The girl whispered, still in that slow drawl that had them straining to understand her. "My name is Iris."

"I risk?" Gaara asked, bewildered by the slowness of her speech.

"No, silly. Like the flower! I'm from Texas and Daddy wanted to name me bluebonnet, but Mama won that battle." Iris giggled as she stood and handed her backpack to Gai. "Here, there's no weapons. Only medicine. I'm an aide worker, bringing medicine into areas devastated by the recent bad weather."

Genma looked around cautiously. "Weather's been perfect. Did you fall and hurt your head? We have a good healer here." He spoke very, very slowly. As if to a mentally deficient person who may or may not be dangerous.

The mighty green beast of Konoha opened her backpack, having no trouble with the odd looking zipper. He upended the bag without warning, drawing a gasp from the young blond woman.

"Be careful!" She called out, looking horrified at the mess of syringes and pill bottles on the ground. "Those are needed supplies!"

Genma sighed deeply. "I'm going to get the Hokage. I don't want to risk the village by dragging her through it. If she's a spy, this corner of the village is all she's going to see." He growled low at the girl. "It may be her last sight forever."

Gaara grinned. "That was very ominous. Well done. Now go run your errand."

Temari coughed to hide her chagrin. Gaara had been much better of late, being almost ...approachable. His temper had improved greatly too. Still, he was a dangerous individual and she hoped Genma wouldn't start an unnecessary fight over her younger brother's high handed ways.

Iris stooped over to try and collect her 'supplies', but Gai held up one hand to fend her off. "No, no little blossom of mysterious, and possibly enemy, youth. If those are indeed medicines, then Tsunade will be interested in seeing them."

"Sundae?" Iris asked, scratching her head. "Those aren't good for a girl's complexion, ya know."

"Tsu-Nad-E." Temari enunciated slowly as she reached around to finger her fan threateningly. "Now, what have you done with my baby brother, you blond cow?"

Gai clucked his tongue chidingly. "Now, wind flower, there's no need to be violent. I'm sure the Iris flower will tell us how to retrieve our lost ones."

Gaara sighed. "If not, can she be the new Kankuro?" He asked, his eyes going over her short white t-shirt in appreciation. Deep inside him, Shukaku eyed the girl too. But was less than impressed. **"This one doesn't look like she'd enjoy pain." **The demon whined. **"Kill her."**

Iris backed away from the intense looking red-head with dark circles under his eyes. "You don't look well at t'all." She pointed out. "Perhaps an antibiotic might help, or a good purging. How long has it been sense you cleansed your bowels?"

At this, even Gai looked worried as he took a careful step away from the stranger.

Gaara paused, the image of cutting someone open and taking out their bowels to wash them down just didn't seem ...right. Shukaku though, reconsidered. **"Perhaps she has promise".**

Luckily, or not, it was at this moment that Genma returned at top speed. Tsunade was two steps behind him, and seriously pissed. She eyed the young blond a moment, who was staring at Tsunade's bosom.

"Ya know. That kind of shirt gives the wrong impression. Have you ever been to a feminist meeting? They're not all freaks ya know. Empowerment for women is not a dead issue belonging to the 70's." Iris told the Hokage.

Tsunade blinked, having a hard time understanding the slow talking drawl. "Did she just say the death toll was in the seventies?"

The blond kunoichi from Suna shrugged. "Actually, no. I don't think so. Just make her give my brother back."

"Or not." Gaara mused.

"Don't forget Lee!" Gai yelled.

Iris groaned. "I don't know these people! I didn't do anything to Lee or what-his-name!"

Gaara nodded at her sympathetically. "Kankuro. You can take his place if you want. Might be an improvement."

The blond girl shook her head. "No, that's not ...wait! Wait a dang minute! You. You're Gary?"

"Gaara." Gai supplied, watching everything anxiously. He was getting more and more antsy the longer Lee was gone.

"This is my brother's favorite show. Naruto, right?"

The red-head shook his head. The fox shinobi always seemed to make an impression everywhere he went. "How do you know Naruto?"

"Yes." Tsunade grinned evilly. "How do you know the twerp?"

Iris eyed them both anxiously. "We've never met. He's fictional. But this is his world, right?"

"No." Tsunade shook her head. "It's not Naruto's world. Not yet, anyway."

Temari looked at everyone in mounting anger. "Can we just kill her, please? She's obviously a spy of some sort, else how would she know about Naruto?"

The Hokage sighed. "We can't kill her until we learn how to bring Lee and Kankuro back through the whirling pinhole over there."

Gai looked up at that. "It's still open?"

Tsunade sneered at them all. "Can't you feel the energy drain? It's barely there, but look, just over the girl's left shoulder."

Iris 'eeped' and jumped out of the way and into someone's yard, her back hitting the small tree pretty hard.

"Okay, just over where her left shoulder WAS." The Hokage said in disgust. "Wimp."

A beehive was jostled in the branches above Iris and she yelped in fear as the buzzing creatures started to fly around her. The blond swatted at a few and started to run around in circles.

"Reminds me of Naruto." Tsunade mused, grinning. "Oh, girl. Get over it. It's only a few bee stings."

Iris wailed. "But I'm allergic! I need my epi-pen!"

"Epi-what?" Gai called out, wondering what she was talking about.

The girl screamed and made a dash for the medicines that Gai had dumped on the ground. In her scramble to get there though, she accidentally kicked the epinephrine pen down a small sewage grate. "Oh no!" She wailed. "I need that!"

Temari clucked her tongue, looking outraged. "Really? My brother could get it for you."

Iris looked at Gaara, who only blinked at her. "I'm not sending my sand into the sewer. It smells down there. It'll come back all nasty."

"Oh and blood is much more sanitary?" Genma snarled.

Gaara shrugged. "It's kept on the inside of a body, how dirty can blood be? The sewer on the other hand ...ew."

Temari shook her head. "No, I mean Kankuro. The one you vanished, he's got chakra stings that could easily get your stuff ...stuff ...back ...oi, you're really swelling up."

Genma eyed the girl as she wheezed and tried to catch her breath. He looked over at the Hokage. "You going to help her?" He asked, curious.

Tsunade shook her head. "Let's see how evil she is. If this is a trick, she won't die."

Gai held up one hand. "But if she's innocent, she will most definitely be a bloom cut down before her time."

"At least you'll know then she's innocent." Temari pointed out bluntly.

A few moments later, the girl's throat closed up and she started to die from lack of air. Genma ended it for her with a swift cut from his kunai.

Gai sighed, but as Iris' blue eyes faded into death, the whirling sound grew and suddenly two young men were dropped unceremoniously on the ground next to her body.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI ..."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Tsunade roared harshly enough to quell even the green duo. Only, one of them was no longer ...green. "Lee? What happened to your training outfit?"

Rock Lee stood there in the strangest get-up they'd ever seen. He was wearing tight white pants over padding that ended at the knee, with socks that went all the way down to cleated shoes. His shirt was glaring purple and gold. It had a large symbol on the front, but in a language none of them knew.

Gaara shook his head, not sure if he was flattered or appalled. "Why do you have black circles painted under your eyes." He asked, pointing at his own natural black circles under his own eyes.

Temari, was circling Kankuro. "You're not wearing your make-up." She pointed out. "You left wearing make-up."

"That was three weeks ago." Lee pointed out. "We didn't know if we'd ever get back home."

Genma stumbled a bit at that. "Three weeks? No, it's not even been an hour since you left!"

"Really?" Kankuro asked lazily. "We figured you were just having trouble working the whirling transport holes or whatever."

Lee nodded.

Gai's eyes were still leaking small rivers as he looked at his student in relief. "So, what happened?"

Kankuro shrugged. "We landed in a really strange place. They don't speak our language, but we could understand them for some reason. Never did figure that one out."

Lee agreed with the sand puppeteer. "There were a lot of displaced people due to some bad weather. They thought our school records were destroyed or lost. So they put us in a high school."

"I think a low school would be more appropriate." Gaara said deadpan.

"Did you learn anything?" Temari asked them, morbidly curious.

Kankuro shrugged. "I learned their food sucked. There was no eel domburi or a single bowl of sweet bean paste."

Lee grinned. "The food was terrible. But while I was outside trying to find someplace to train, I met some like minded individuals. They invited me to try out for football."

Gai looked startled and stared at Lee's feet.

Kankuro grinned. "It's a game. A lot of running around and tackling people. High impact."

Lee grinned widely. "They really, really liked me. I played both defense and offense. Apparently, I tackle very well."

"LEE!" Gai cried out proudly, the waterworks starting over again.

Tsunade sighed and turned away from her crying jounin. "And you, did you join this team too?"

Kankuro shook his head. "No. I was watching and saw some other people practicing something else. I went over to observe and got invited to join them instead."

"He's a cheerleader!" Lee said proudly.

Temari beamed. "I'm so proud! Er ...what's a cheerleader?"

Lee smiled. "They have these people who stand on the sidelines of the football game and cheer for us to win."

Temari blinked, then scowled. She whacked Kankuro on the side of the head as Gaara shook his head in disgust.

Kankuro backed away, his eyes sparkling. "No, it's more than that. Really. I have to pick girls up and throw them in the air."

Genma's eyes went wide at that, then he shook his head in denial.

"No, it's true!" Lee exclaimed happily. "Kankuro was very good at throwing them up high in the air, and he even caught them too!"

"Girls?" Gaara asked dubiously, eying Temari and Tsunade.

Kankuro grinned widely. "They wore skirts. Up. To. Here." He pointed at a place just south of his hip.

Genma laughed. "You wish."

Lee shook his head. "No. They really did!"

"With very, very tight sweaters." Kankuro crowed. "That ended here." He said, pointing to just under Temari's chest.

The blond kunoichi slapped his hand away irritably. "You're making that up."

The puppeteer shook his head, his face alight with fond memories. "No. And sometimes, they let me put my hand on their butts and hold them up in the air."

Gai's mouth dropped and Genma moaned in jealousy.

Kankuro sighed happily. "Come on Temari, I'll show you."

The blond shook her head menacingly. "You touch me and I'll cleanse your bowel. And I won't put it back when it's clean."

o.o.o.o.o


	6. Identity Theft

**This chapter is dedicated to Ahmenet and Duncan, er Batman …for reasons only they will know.**

**o.o.o.o.o**

It was another fine day at the Academy of Konoha as Shikamaru and Temari sat down to discuss the final details of the upcoming chuunin exams.

A lot had happened, and some time had passed since the last incursion of the "others" as the intruders from differing realities came to be known.

So, when the whirring noise started, Temari was looking around for the bee and then realized, there wasn't one.

"Quick! It's an 'others' portal!" She hissed at a solemn Shikamaru. "Be sure to stay away from the opening, Kankuro and Lee were sucked in a while back. Not even sure how we got them back that time."

Shikamaru had already signaled the other teachers to remove the Academy students to safety when the whirring sound got louder and yet another pinhole opened within the fabric of reality itself.

Both Temari and Shikamaru drew weapons, ready for anything.

Suddenly, three girls were on the ground in front of them. Tangled up like puppies. Shikamaru raised one eyebrow in disdain. "How troublesome."

Temari eyed them like they might be snakes. She still remembered how Kankuro had been sucked into one of those whirry thingies.

The three girls stood and Temari blinked hard. "What are you wearing?"

Shikamaru looked them over. "That's a lot of buckles and rivets you got going on there." He didn't mention how tight their clothing fit, he just hoped that in an all out battle it would restrict their movements.

One girl, with jet-black hair stood tall and proud. "I am Krystal and I am from a secret village as well. I've come to join your Academy because my family was destroyed, my father got me to safety so that I might serve humanity. His last wish was for me to study here and find out what being a ninja is all about. My bloodline limit allows me the power of flight and superior strength."

The second girl, with long red hair and freckles. "My name is Willa, but you may call me Brat. Everyone does. I have a jutsu allowing me to connect with a force made of kinetic energy, pure speed. I have to eat a lot, as I burn a lot of calories. But I can circle the earth in 5.4 seconds, even running across water."

The third girl tossed back her long blond locks with a sweet smile. "I am called Dyan and I was not always a girl."

Temari choked. "You were a boy?"

Dyan frowned down at the wind princess and sneered. "Hardly, I am a princess in my secret village that is so secret no one has mentioned the name of it aloud in over a thousand years. I left my perfect life to seek out the secrets of being a ninja. I am nearly invincible, and the daughter of kami herself."

Both Temari and Shikamaru stepped back on that one, looking up to the skies.

"What are you doing?" Brat asked curiously, looking oddly friendly.

Shikamaru shook his head. "Waiting for the lightening to strike her."

Dyan shook her head irritably. "We three are stronger as students entering your beloved Academy than any shinobi or kunoichi already working or living in Suna or Konoha. It would behoove you all to make friends with us."

Krystal smiled at the duo, still holding their weapons. "You two are so cute together! Are you dating?"

"No!" They both answered and stepped away from each other.

"Well, you should." Brat said, still smiling. "In fact, I insist on it! And I'm so lovable that my every wish is eventually and lovingly granted! Oh, and I'm impatient, so go ahead and kiss now, might as well get it over with."

Shikamaru's grip on his kunai tightened as Temari's muscles tensed for the coming battle.

"No need for that, no need for that." Three men stepped out of no where, strangely dressed in dark suits with pinstripes and red ties. They all looked identical to each other, though technically they weren't. "You all must cease and desist, you've been yanked."

Dyan sneered and pointed at Shikamaru and Temari. "Yeah, go on with you!"

The three men shook their heads and clucked their tongues. "Not them, they belong here. You three are infringing on protected material and are scheduled to be deleted."

"Deleted?" Shikamaru winced, that didn't sound good. Though he didn't care for the three girls anyway.

Krystal stomped her foot, making the ground shake. "Poo! We are different enough from your clients that we are free to be as we want."

The three men shook their heads again. "Sorry. Copyright infringement is one thing, but you three have pilfered from D.C. Comics and that cannot be borne. Your identities will be stripped and all mention of you or your existence shall be utterly deleted."

The three girls attacked with a fury that nearly leveled the land around them, but the lawyers of D.C. were truly invincible, and were completely unmoved. One of them motioned and re-opened the pinhole in reality, gesturing for the girls to enter.

One by one, Brat and Krystal and Dyan moved sadly into the waiting vortex of doom.

"Wait." Shikamaru called out, careful not to get too close. "Do they have to die?"

Temari rolled her eyes. "I want to watch them die."

Two of the lawyers waved and headed off after their prisoners. But the third turned to look at the two ninja and smiled. "Not to worry. We're D.C."

The blond wind princess quirked an eyebrow at that. "What does that mean?"

The man grinned. "No comic death is forever, they'll be back before the year is out."

o.o.o.o.o

**Yes, this was aimed at rip-off Mary Sue's from other genres that don't give credit to their original sources.**


	7. Joining the Akatsuki

**The following takes place just after Shippuden. Gaara has been taken, and the rescue crew has not yet arrived.**

**Disclaimer: I own no part of Naruto. There. I admitted it. Are you happy now? Well are you? LOL**

**BTW …Hidan has been (bleeping) edited to keep my rating. Thank you. And some possible spoilers for the fate of some members of the Akatsuki.**

**o.o.o.o.o**

The barrier and rituals needed to remove the One-Tailed from its red-headed host had just been completed. That was the only excuse Zetsu could come up with later as to why the sound went unnoticed for a few moments.

It was Itachi, staring off into space with a puzzled look on his face that first got attention. Then all of them caught the soft whirring sound.

"What the (bleep)?" Hidan asked, his eyes growing wild. "Could this be a precursor to my ascension?"

Sasori chuckled darkly. "You'll have to wait for sainthood, Hidan. I believe that's the tail end of a portal, not the opening of one."

"Well (bleeeeeeeeeeeepity) (bleep) (bleep)!" Hidan readied his weapon, as did Kisame. The others just waited to see what was coming.

It was a girl. From her appearance she looked …odd. The clothes were far different from what any of the Akatsuki members were used to, and although they looked durable enough they weren't made for easy movement.

Dyanna blinked her baby-blues and looked around in confusion, pushing back her cornsilk blond hair. One minute she'd been at the mall shopping, and she'd entered a changing room to try on a new t-shirt when …BAM. She was in a dark cave with some freaky looking dudes. "Oh. Is this cos-play?" She asked, recognizing their dark cloaks.

"I think she's damaged in the mind." Itachi said coolly.

Deidera shook his blond head. "It could be blood restrictions not getting to her brain. See how tight those pants are, un?"

They all nodded, eyeing the long legs of the teenager with varying degrees of appreciation and boredom. Sasori, having given up a certain part of his anatomy years ago, actually yawned.

"Oh! It is cos-play!" Dyanna blinked, trying to focus in. "I feel underdressed in my jeans. Sorry! And you're all dressed and acting like Akatsuki members from the world of Naruto. Your costumes look so realistic too! Wow."

"Definitely mushy in the brain stem, un." Deidera replied, sighing. "Kill her now and let's get on with business, un."

"Oooh! Look. You have a 'Gaara' already over there. He looks real too. Nice set job. I see, this is were you extract Shukaku? Cool beans. Hey! Can I play? I can join the Akatsuki and be sexy Deidera's partner!" The girl crooned, looking over at a certain missing nin.

"Maybe she's not totally clueless, un." The blond gave a small smile to her in return, though he didn't move from his spot.

Sasori growled. "She's delusional if she thinks you're sexy. UN." He said mockingly.

Everyone else nodded in agreement. Zetsu though stopped Kisame as he stepped forward to put the girl out of her misery. "She knew. She knew about the One-Tailed. And she knew the name of the demon vessel. Hold a moment."

"(Bleep), just kill the (bleep) and get on with the (bleeeeep) and the (bleep)." Hidan said, disgust all over his face. "She's wearing a pagan symbol on her (bleeping) and unimpressive chest. (Bleep) her."

Itachi frowned and looked closer at the girl's shirt. "Is that a rabbit?"

"It reads _'you go girl'_ and _'don't come back'_." Kisame squinted. "Was she banished from her village? That would explain the poor clothing that covers nothing and impedes her movements. A banishing jutsu maybe?"

"These are real rocks." The girl was saying as she poked at her surroundings. "Am I really in Naruto's world? Have I been sucked inside somehow?"

"This is not Naruto's world." Kisame growled, still pissed off that the Toad Hermit had kept he and his partner from collecting the Nine-Tail.

Zetsu was thinking it through, weighing his options. "If she knew that much about us. She knows too much. Go ahead. Kill her."

Dyanna's eyes grew large as she heard that. She had a sickening feeling that this wasn't Kansas anymore. Literally. She was from Topeka. "Oh (bleep)." She whispered.

Hidan blinked and grinned. "No. Coming from you, it doesn't have the right (bleeping) impact. You have to say things like (bleep) with more emphasis. But you won't get another (bleeping) chance to try it. Say your (bleeping) prayers to your (bleeping) pagan bunny and prepare your (bleeped) soul for death."

Appalled, Dyanna pointed at her t-shirt. "I don't worship this, it's just a fun shirt."

Sasori shook his head. "You **_are_** mentally unbalanced. All symbols worn on the body are to mean something. An indication of allegiance, religion, home village, clan, or jutsu. Otherwise, there is no point."

"Oh! Like the Uchicha symbol with the drip of white coming from the circle?" Dyanna asked even as she backed away nervously. "You know guys, if this is cos-play, it isn't funny anymore."

"It never was, un." Deidera replied, completely bored now as he watched the others circle the girl. "Although I did appreciate the 'sexy' comment, un."

Itachi fell still. "What do you know of the Uchiha?" He said, holding up one hand to stop the advance of the others.

Dyanna, feeling the reprieve, nodded. "See! I can be of use! I have information on everyone since Naruto is my favorite anime!"

"I know almost every word she used, but the way she puts them together makes no sense." Zetsu mused, still trying to figure the strange girl out.

"You! You're Itachi and you killed your entire clan except for your younger brother. Sasuke lives to kill you! And you, you're a puppet!" She said wildly, pointing at the still cloak-covered Sasori. "You're really hot under all that puppet stuff, although you're actually only a puppet yourself. Except for one weak point that lets them kill you."

Sasori blinked. "I die?"

Itachi paused. "Why? Why did I kill my family? Everyone already knows of that incident, knowledge like that is useless."

The girl shrugged. "I don't think your reasons have been revealed yet. You said something about needing to prove your strength, but the consensus on-line is that was only partly true, or an out-and-out lie."

Itachi nodded. "I see. So, she knows what everyone knows and yet does not know what I have not told anyone. Useless. Go ahead and kill her."

Dyanna shook her head and turned to look pleadingly at Sasori. "Soon, you die soon! I can help you avoid that. See, I know a lot, really. I even know when Deidera dies. I almost cried then."

The blond missing-nin looked up at that, his boredom suddenly dissipating. "Do I die gloriously in battle, blowing myself and my enemies up, un?!"

The girl nodded. "See, if I were your partner, I could stop that from happening!" She announced, even though she had no idea how to stop his battle with Sasuke. "I even know how Hidan dies, only he doesn't die, but is trapped."

"(Bleeping) impossible. I am invincible!" Hidan snorted and cut the girl into two pieces. "(Bleeping) (bleeped) (bleepity) liar."

Zetsu sighed as he watched the blood seep into the cavern floor.

The vein at Itachi's temple twitched. "A little fast to destroy her." He mentioned quietly.

Sasori nodded, having wanted to hear more about his 'soon' to be demise.

"She was (bleeping) crazy if she (bleeping) thought I could be defeated." Hidan said, already cleaning the infidel bunny-worshiping pagan's blood off his sacred weapon lest it defile him somehow.

Deidera, though, was smiling ear to ear.

Kisame poked at the explosion-loving blond. "Hey, didn't you hear the prediction? You die. If Hidan hadn't killed her, you could have avoided it."

Deidera nodded happily. "Why would I want to? Gloriously dying in battle with a big BANG, un. I can't believe how lucky I am, un! Oh the absolute beauty of it! Can you not see the art in that kind of death, un? Oh, that's going to be so much fun!"

Sasori groaned and shook his head.

Zetsu sighed. "Never mind. Some of you have places to go. The others stay and help oversee the removal of the One-Tail."

The Akatsuki all nodded and resumed their previous activities, as if the strange girl had never existed.

o.o.o.o.o

**Sorry if you like Mary Sue's joining the Akatsuki. Unless it's a crack story, though, I can't stand them.**

**My favorite CRACK stories of the Akatsuki? Glad you asked. Be warned, they are extremely crack and very, very funny.**

"**Ain't Karma A Btch!" by Mrs. Cake**

"**Inamorato" by firefly**


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